When catastrophe strikes on the San Andres fault there’s no reason not to be prepared, especially now with the SFMade earthquake survival kit. It has everything you need to survive. It’s locally made. And most importantly, it’s artisanal.
The kit includes:

Photo courtesy of http://www.lovecrave.com/

Photo courtesy of http://www.lovecrave.com/

~Droplet from Crave. Because your vibrator will be too bulky (wink wink) to carry with you, we’ll set you up with the finest foreplay jewelry. Tiny quiet motors deliver a subtle but insistent vibration in the tip of this silver pendant on a sleek silver chain.

Photo courtesy of https://www.facebook.com/tartinebakerysf

Photo courtesy of https://www.facebook.com/tartinebakerysf

~ Freshly baked goods from Tartine. While all your neighbors will be scrounging for the last can of tuna, you’ll be flicking them the crumbs from your fresh Tartine croissants. We’ll start you with one as well as a compostable pastry bag, all you need to do is head to Tartine every day to replenish, just tell the cashier: one for me, and one for my pack.

Photo courtesy of http://www.typeamachines.com/

Photo courtesy of http://www.typeamachines.com/

~Type A Machines desktop 3D printer. Print a gun. Duh.

Photo courtesy of http://www.mafiabags.com/

Photo courtesy of http://www.mafiabags.com/

~Mafia Bags Discover Pack. This lightweight backpack is made from discarded kites, so if things get hairy empty out your pack, deconstruct all that expert craftsmanship, and fly your way to safety.

Photo courtesy of http://www.goodbeer.com

Photo courtesy of http://www.goodbeer.com

~Speakeasy’s Double Daddy IPA. Forget the water jugs, there will be no water in California. But beer has water. And this beer is 8.5% ABV, which is strong enough to make you forget how thirsty you are for some water.

Photo courtesy of http://www.orukayak.com

Photo courtesy of http://www.orukayak.com

~Foldable kayak from Oru Kayak. This 26-pound box goes from box to boat in just a few minutes. Tsunami can’t touch this.

woodcut
~Map from Woodcut Maps. We’ve gone ahead and customized a handcrafted wood marquetry map with key points in the area where you can go to avoid massive overcrowding and inflated prices: the east bay.

Photo courtesy of http://warriorwithindesigns.com

Photo courtesy of http://warriorwithindesigns.com

~Safari shimmer ladyhawke onesie from Warrior Within Designs. Gotta stay fierce, girl. (Plus, you’ll camouflage!)

Get the SFMade earthquake pack for only $1,000 only on April Fool’s Day.